entry 006

10.18.26

it’s been hard over the past few years to show up consistently for much of anything. i’ve avoided talking about this part for a long time now.

i finally feel like i’m at a point where i can talk about everything, holistically.

over the last 3-4 years, i’ve had to heavily compartmentalize my life because i didn’t know what the fuck was going on. it has been a puzzle to me, and it’s taken this long to put all the pieces together.

i’m going to begin with a comment i left on reddit:

Mine have evolved over the past 3-4 years. I tend to experience Alice in Wonderland Syndrome. For me, that involves strange perceptual distortions. It just suddenly feels like I am in a funhouse-- the environment seems out of sorts. Things feel silly. The room's proportions change in odd ways, and nothing feels definite or linear. Time feels more expansive, and the boundaries between me and everything around me grow murkier. The atmosphere feels really thick, and I want to go inward. I feel compelled to pay close attention to the experience, which makes me want to stay still so I can focus.

This usually begins with a cool breeze I feel to my left. It's so realistic that it makes me question what 'real' even means anymore. The cool breeze also feels like a presence. Things seem to take on a liquid kind of quality. One time I could've sworn I saw the fabric of reality, and when I waved my hand in front of me, it subtly swirled with the motion as if I had disturbed the field.

It usually feels intensely uncomfortable; sometimes it's accompanied by dysautonomia. Often, it comes on with a rising sensation I can only describe as intense energy moving up through my body, and maybe I'm going to die because it's too much. Other times, it feels benevolent, and a deep peace comes over me. It feels like oneness, and I feel connected to everything. My body seems to buzz.

A handful of times, it happened during group conversation, but I was able to maintain. No one seemed to notice, and I didn't say anything. I just performed my little battery of tests to make sure it wasn't a stroke and waited for it to pass.

I'm lucky it doesn't affect my motor skills, but it used to. When they started, I used to get tremors while it was happening, which I think was due to adrenaline, but I'm not sure. It was really difficult to walk, and I lost coordination.

About half the time, I have very strong emotions afterward. I'll experience profound sadness or an overwhelming sense of emotional pain and cry for a while. It seems to be an emotional release.

Every now and then, it happens when I'm lying in bed with my eyes closed, and the only symptom I experience is a brilliant, silvery light. It's like liquid silver, but also a flashlight moving about, almost more like a figure walking around, and it feels like a presence. It appears to move deliberately; it's not chaotic. It's really just a slew of wild and often unpredictable symptoms. Roughly the same symptoms, but it presents in a myriad of ways. Oh, and I get really strong deja vu or intense feelings of... knowing something or an important realization that is just out of my grasp.

Edit: I should add a disclaimer that when I talk about feeling a 'presence,' that is part of the seizure quality, not a personal belief.