entry 001

03.22.26

i just deleted my substack, and it felt amazing. don't get me wrong, i thought substack was a fine place. it serves great purpose. for someone with adhd, i found it taxing- there's too much customization, and every time i thought about writing, i felt overwhelmed.

i've decided to integrate my blogs into my own websites. it seems like the smartest way to go about it, and the best part is that i can prioritize simplicity. i'm hoping that i'll write more this way. no stats, no visuals, no promotion, no social feed, just words.

there's nothing to get distracted by here, no orchestration really. i'm writing in a .ts document straight into the sitexml. i don't feel like i have to write a particular amount here, or say anything extraordinary. i'll have to see if it stays that way.

substack wasn't the problem. i am well aware that i am the problem. it is my own self-defeating expectations in writing that have caused me to fail time and time again. so, cheers to the endless loop in time.

there's something about destruction that i've always been attracted to. when i was a kid, i would spend all day drawing something and then when i was finished, i would rip it up into pieces. i always got in trouble for this, so eventually i just stopped doing it, but there's actually something liberating about it. it makes me think of the tibetan monks who spend weeks building sand mandalas, these impossibly intricate, beautiful things- only to sweep them away the moment they're finished. it's sisyphus and kate bush running up the hill, you know? there's something freeing and reassuring in it. it feels powerful. it's like, who cares. i'm still here. this frivolous thing i created doesn't hold a candle. it is evergreen. and what the hell else do we all have to do anyway.